It is October 23, 2020, my heart is full. I am surrounded my loved ones. I am grateful that my loving wife found one candle that announced my age, rather than fifty individual candles.
As I accept the simple challenge of blowing out just one candle, my Ego takes offense. It yells, “This party is supposed to be on a Yacht in the Maldives with our favorite band playing on deck. What the fuck? Why have you turned your back on it all?”
My Ego continues to roar by uselessly pointing out what it means by “it all”.
“The Wealth?
The Respect?
The Press?
The Zero Sum Game Victories?
The Fear?”
My initial reaction to these proclamations was to remind my Ego of the things it conveniently left off its list. Things like:
- Sacrafice
- Loneliness
- Sadness
- Pain
- Multiple Hospital stays
- Lost Relationships
- Anger
- Restlessness
Rather than engage in an argument it wants me to have, I choose to tune into an alternative, barely audible voice. A voice from a source where someone doesn’t have to lose for me to win!
A warm feeling starts to travel from this source . It begins in my core, near my belly button. It soothes my enormous stomach region as it rises to my sternum. It then takes a gentle right. It opens the door to my heart and fills it with joy, love and peace.
These feelings call me to take a deep breath. My breath gives fuel to a second journey. The twelve inches from my heart to my brain.
My Ego desperate now, interjects again. It wants to repel this journey and send it back in the opposite direction. It wants to stop whatever madness is happening here. It roars even louder than before, “You made it to fifty, only to trade it all for just one! Who does that? You are an embarrassment!”
I chuckle, realizing my Ego is using my number of candles as a metaphor for something else it can’t believe I turned my back on.
But, my Ego doesn’t understand that only my Soul knows the pathway to the one particular journey I have chosen. The pathway to sustained joy, love and peace.
I finally take the deep breath my Soul softly suggested, knowing full well that fifty of everything is my Ego wants. It always wants more! It demands grandiose.
My Soul knows the price of always wanting more. It wants something else. It’s perfectly content with a Covid 50th, just close friends and family. No fuss. No pomp and circumstance. Just one candle.
I look around at the loved ones who have attended my 50th. My mom, my dad, my wife, my sister, and a handful of dear friends. Gratitude fills my heart.
As I get ready to blow out my candle, my Soul gives me a gift in the form of a wish. The wish clarifies what I truly desire.
I want a grand adventure.
