Happy Presidents Day Weekend. I’ve made a discovery that I would like to share. It’s about triggers.
Two years ago, I spent an entire year being coached by a Presence Master. Why? Two reasons. One, about twice a year I would become triggered by a situation, or the perceived actions of another person, and these triggers would wreak havoc. They would cause me immense pain and suffering for several days. They would also often lead to an abrupt end of a meaningful relationship. Two, I began seeing the value of peace and wanted to access it more purposefully. I thought becoming more present would be an excellent access point to peace.
One of my primary learnings were counter-measures for dealing with triggers when I allowed them to arrive on my doorstep. These counter-measures were so effective that I began sharing them with my dear friends and then, more boldly, to audiences in my speeches. What I did not expect from this, were so many friends calling me in pain, asking me for help while they were in a triggered state.
It’s a delicate, but beautiful opportunity, to help a person when they are in so much pain. After all, it was the primary reason I decided to sign up for presence practice in the first place, cause I felt helpless when they happened to me. And I didn’t want to feel helpless anymore. If I had the knowledge to help a friend in need hurt less, than I would do my best teach them what I learned and what worked for me.
These opportunities afforded me a deeper look into triggers. I already knew that they are caused by our thoughts about a situation, not the situation itself. I became very curious what determines the intensity of each individual’s trigger. I began asking questions and paid very close attention to the answers. Like a good investigator, I searched for the motive, or in other terms, the true source of the trigger and why it was so intense for that individual.
But first, what do I mean about intensity? Imagine a scale of 1 to 10. Anything below a five is a low level trigger. More an annoyance than anything. It may disrupt your day, and dominate your thoughts for a bit, but you work your way through it without too much pain and suffering. This level of trigger doesn’t hang around for too long. Breathwork can do wonders for lowering the intensity of a low level trigger. I’m not gonna dig into counter-measures in this post, but if you are intrigued, they are easy to look up online. You will discover a new world of information. Just Google ‘breathwork for triggers’.
Triggers that cause an emotional reaction over a 5, say from 6 to 9, are far more intense. They disrupt your entire day and can even last for days, weeks or months. They demand your attention and take hold of your emotions. Making good decisions in this state becomes very difficult. The best counter measure for a response this intense is something called acceptance. Google ‘acceptance for triggers’ to discover another new world. This counter measure is bit tougher to deploy than breathwork, meaning it will take some practice to truly learn how to deploy it on your own. But, I can promise you this, once you add it to your arsenal, it is a true game changer.
Finally, there is a level 10 reaction. This is known as a pain body trigger. It cripples your ability to do just about anything. Your emotions overwhelm you and they are so strong that they cause a body reaction in addition to your thoughts running wild. Suicide can even become one of your thoughts in this state. Google ‘how to deal with the pain body hen triggered’ for more info.
These are the three counter measures you can deploy when triggered. But, what is the purpose? The purpose is not to solve the problem that triggered you and disrupted your day. In a triggered state, the last thing you want to attempt to do is solve the problem. Unfortunately, that is the only thing your Ego wants you to do.
When we are in a triggered state, we do not have the prerequisite calm and clear thinking needed to make good decisions. So, if we try to take massive action on the problem we think we are having, we are very likely to make it far worse. As a business owner, I make a lot of decisions every day and have come to trust my ability to do so. Due to this, it took me some time, and a lot of patience by my presence coach, to learn that this skill set needed to be set aside when I entered a triggered state. Previously, I always wanted to fix things as fast as I could, so I could stop the pain and feel better. Classic Entrepreneur mindset.
When we are in a triggered state, we should deploy our most reliable and practiced counter-measures for one reason, and one reason only, to lesson the level of intensity. If you can bring the level of intensity down from say a 9, to below a 5, you will find your emotions much more manageable. This will lead to you feeling less pain and suffering, and help get you get to a place where you can make good decisions.
These are the basics, but what was my big discovery? After helping dozens of friends lower the intensity of their emotions from their active triggers, I made a connection. My advantage was knowing each person really well so this made it easier to connect the dots. My big discovery was this. The intensity of our triggers is directly linked to the values and attributes we hold most dear. Meaning, if someone in our life acts in violation of a value we would not violate without experiencing remorse or shame, then we are likely to lose our shit in a major way if we perceive that someone acted in such a way towards us. Now, notice I used the word perceive, cause sometimes we get it wrong, but not always. A lot of the time, people do treat us in exactly the shitty way we perceive it.😏
Ok, so what the heck am I saying? The next time a loved one comes to you (or at you) in a triggered state and begins unloading their perception of “the situation”, try your best to look past all the ‘EXTRA’ juicy details to see the core value that got violated. If the intensity of their trigger is quite high, chances are that it is one they hold most dear. As their friend, or offender, you stand a pretty good chance of figuring it out. Unless of coarse, you are now triggered by them and are now losing it yourself! 🙈
You see, when people act in the opposite way that we would ever purposely act against a core value, we cannot understand why anyone would do this purposely to us. We got yo a dark place where we say “it shouldn’t be this way!”
I’m choosing my words specifically cause I’m not saying we never violate our own core values. We do, but a good person would feel remorse, or shame,and find a way to correct the situation or apologize. We often give ourselves this grace and hope that others we wrong will accept our apologies or efforts at reconciliation. If we do not receive forgiveness or grace in return, we typically take responsibility and file the unfortunate situation away in our regrets folder. 😎 But, if someone does it to us, and the value is non-negotiable in our mind and heart, then we can get very emotional about it. Fuck forgiveness, we at war! 🥷
But here is the thing. Let’s say it’s irrefutable, and the other person definitely wronged you in the exact way you think. In this type of situation, have you ever bothered to ask yourself whether the violator holds that same value in high regard, or at all?
Let me give an easy example. Recently a young entrepreneur I mentor said his last major triggered state happened with his current business partner a few weeks before. I asked him to describe the situation. He did all the tell-tell things a triggered person does when they enter into a heart at war with another person. He immediately started to recruit me to take his side in the matter. He justified his view of what happened. He blamed his partner for what happened. Finally, he horrified him a bit as well. Just telling me about the event re-triggered him all over again. This is the power of the mind. Invite a little pain and suffering in, and it craves more!
Once I heard the whole story, and a bunch about the other person, I turned my focus towards my mentee. I began asking the right questions. How do you feel about timeliness? Who taught you that it’s important and respectful to be on time? The more I dug, the more I discovered that being on time was a major top three value for this individual. His Dad was a military man and he instilled in him a huge importance on this value. His son loved and respected his now deceased Dad, who passed away in his 50’s from cancer, cutting his time short with his Dad. Do you see any ingredients for a strong emotional reaction to someone in his life, being careless with something so precious to him as time?
Now, if the other person in this feud did not have the same upbringing (he didn’t), being on time may not be a top three value. Heck, it may not be one of his values at all. When I got my mentee to see this, his demeanor changed completely. He realized for the first time that his partner did not purposely disrespect him. He just doesn’t think being on time is important. It was a major breakthrough. He ended their business partnership over this, once again, proving it is not a good idea to make important decisions in a triggered state. I could see him thinking of ways he could apologize to his ex-business partner, and former best friend, to make amends. And here he thought he was the one that was absolutely in the irrefutable right!
You see, that is what the Ego wants. It wants to be right and superior. So when someone clearly, or perceptually, violates one of our core values, we are inviting our Ego to enter into a heart at war with that person, pulling us further in the direction of pain and suffering. We then recruit, justify, blame and even horrify. This is a pattern we need to become self aware about, if we have a desire to change. It will also give us a heads up on the level of intensity that is coming if we don’t deploy our counter-measures.
I recommend taking some quiet time to discover your core values. Write them down. Commit them to memory. The ones that mean the most to you, to the degree that you cannot understand someone else not holding them sacred too. Knowing this about yourself, you can do a better job of preventing or dealing with triggers.
How? By letting those most important in your life know that a violation of these values is likely to cause you pain and suffering until you can develop effective counter-measures. Maybe you can encourage them to reciprocate, so you know the values you need to respect better as well. And, maybe just maybe, you can choose better relationships with people who are aligned with the same core values. All of these actions will lead to healthier relationships and less pain and suffering.
Pain and suffering, at least the emotional kind, is optional. Physical pain, not so much. I hope that my discovery is of some value to you. I invite you to learn more. The research is readily available. One added benefit is that it will make you a better friend. You will become the person loved ones turn to in their greatest times of need.
A shout out to my teacher in presence the great Patrick Combs, who understands more about presence than I could ever share. Thank you for improving my life tremendously buddy.
